They are more than just a band from the 80's, they are what I have been blinking back all day. I never knew that going through all of this would be so taxing emotionally. Sure, it's been tough the past two years of getting excited every month only to find out that Aunt Flo has let you down again and shown her bitchy face. But nothing has prepared me for how scared and unsure I am about this whole process. I'm not scared to get pregnant and become a mother; in fact, that is the only thing that is pushing me to get through this. My fear is in it not working. Not only is the financial burden of it all very tough to swallow, but if this doesn't work, we will have spent all of that money for nothing. In addition, I will have put my body through an insane rollercoaster of hormones that is just not good for you. (My mom had to point out just how bad they were for me the other day when I informed her of what I would be taking. She was appalled that I would be receiving injections of something that they prescribe for their male patients with prostate cancer. I informed her that IVF has been around for over 30 years and I'm pretty sure they know what they're doing!) Nevertheless, these two thoughts bring tears to my eyes everytime I sit and let myself think about them.
On a positive note, Jon has really amazed me this week. He has never been one that handles news about money well (mainly when we have to spend it). I actually had to sit him down last week and ask him if he really wanted to do this because if he did, he was going to have to man up. I couldn' t have the stress of him freaking out about every little thing because I need to keep myself as stress free as possible. When he informed me that he would "try", I told him that trying just wasn't good enough; he had to say, "I will". He then agreed and responded well when I told him that he had to be my rock through all of this. He had to keep me strong. I then introduced him to the new motto in our house, "Oh well". I told him that for the next couple of months if the laundry didn't get done, if dinner didn't get made on time, if someone gets pissed because we couldn't make an appearance for something...oh well! This is my mantra for attempting to be stress free. Apparently he has adopted it too because when I came home on Wednesday almost in tears because I found out how much my meds were going to cost, he simply said, "oh well". I could have kissed him ( I did actually) because he said the #1 thing that I needed to hear right then.
On a side note, I am attributing all of these tears to birth control; I am not normally this emotional. I am also attributing the 5 disgusting pounds that I have gained over the past 10 days as well as the extremely tender and everyday growing breasts and cramps. Have I mentioned how much I hate birth control???
Hopefully my next post will be a little more positive. 10 days until our next doctor's visit in Warren!
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